Questions We Ask Ourselves After Losing a Loved One

Death hurts, plain and simple. When someone who has touched your life passes away, it can feel like you’ve just lost a small piece of your world. The journey of grief has many points along the way. From time to time during that journey, it’s natural to find yourself wondering or asking yourself questions. 


Oftentimes, these questions can be split into two groups: the “whys?” and the “hows?”.

• Why did this happen to us/me
• Why didn’t I do something sooner?
• Why did God let something like this happen?

• How can I start to feel better?
• How would s/he want me to move on?
• How do I find the positive in all of this?

If you find yourself asking questions like these, rest assured you’re not alone. Asking yourself questions like these is completely normal and a part of the journey of grief. Understandably, everyone faces different questions. Grief is something that we don’t respond to in a uniform way. 

However, in our experience helping families grieve, we find these are the five most common questions people face.

​1. I don't know if I'll ever get over the death of my spouse (or child, sister, friend) what should I do? When someone dies, death is not something to try and overcome. This is because death is not something you can fix. But rather, it’s something you learn to adapt with and move forward.  2. I just feel alone, all the time. Even at my support group, it feels like no one can understand me. What’s wrong with me? Nothing. Grief is personal, and unique to say the least. Everyone will react to grief in their own way. Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss to someone, how they are coping and feeling may be drastically different than you. Grief can be isolating and often feel like a mix of emotions. You could be watching a movie and laughing one minute, and then sobbing the next. Even if it feels like no one can understand you; talking about your feelings can help you cope with grief and let your feelings out. 3. I feel like some of my friends are becoming distant. Why aren’t they trying to support me? When you lose someone, it changes your world. Unfortunately, your friends may feel like you no longer relate. Another possibility is that they might simply feel uncomfortable. Some people don’t handle being around grief or the thought of it. If you feel like your friend may becoming distant, don’t be afraid to reach out. Maybe having a heart to heart conversation can help them understand that although it’s difficult, you need them to be there for you. 


At the same time, you need to understand something important as well. They can say no. Although it may be painful and unfortunate, they may want to stay distant. Hopefully they don’t. But understand this could happen; and most importantly, don’t let it stop you from speaking up if you want to. 4. Why doctor/therapist is trying to prescribe medication but I don’t feel comfortable with that. How do I tell them no? Tell them that. Let them know you’re unsure about that and feeling uncomfortable. You can also ask them what they see that makes them feel like medication is a solution. You can also ask what may happen if you don’t take it. In either case, don’t be afraid to speak up and say no. 5. It’s been months/years since my loved one passed away. Why don’t I feel better yet? Grief is not like spraining your ankle or breaking your wrist. There’s no prescribed length of time it takes to heal fully. Healing often takes place in milestones. Over time, you slowly reach these milestones and begin to feel a little better. 


It’s also important to be compassionate towards yourself. It’s easy to be critical of yourself for not feeling better. However, rather than overthinking and hurting yourself, try to find pleasure in the little things you enjoy. Slowly but surely, you’ll start to realize that every laugh or smile, however brief, is another milestone along the journey.